Prioritizing the Wrong Peace
How an attachment to harmony became a spiritual vulnerability
I have recently come to realize that a foundational aspect of my temperament is a deep need for harmony in my household and in my heart. I have a penchant for peace and a contempt for conflict. Here are two examples:
A couple of years ago, I sat down to discuss a particular marital difficulty with my husband. After I laid out the problem to him, he asked, “How long have you been thinking and feeling this way?” My answer: nine years. I simply found it easier to live with the underlying tension than to bring it to the surface and deal with the problem.
More recently, I received my first negative blog comment. Until a month ago, I have largely ignored the internet because it seems to thrive on conflict and polarization. I have a strong aversion to the dynamics of online polemics and have been incredibly reluctant to join the online space. I naively assumed I wouldn’t invite conflict just by sharing my heart. As it turns out, not everyone is so averse to starting an online debate.
I was able to dismiss the comment easily enough—it was a stranger, and I don’t think the comment was intended to harm. But the next morning at Mass I discovered that a little seed of desolation had been planted in my heart as a result. This caused me to stop and consider Ignatius’ 14th rule for discernment of spirits and wonder if this peace-prioritizing aspect of my temperament was being used against me.
Rule 14 describes a common tactic of the enemy used to create desolation and pull us away from God. Ignatius notes that the enemy of human nature looks for the weakest areas of virtue in a soul and “attacks it on the weakest side.”
If I could ignore a problem for nine years or have my internal peace disturbed by a stranger’s comment, perhaps this need for harmony isn’t the virtue I had imagined it to be.
Perhaps it is a weakness that the devil was prodding to provoke a loss of my real inner peace. I asked the Lord for self-knowledge in this area, and He showed me rather quickly:
Sometimes I’m prioritizing the wrong peace.
The reality is that we exist in a state of constant tension due to our fallen, sinful nature. The battles we wage against the world, the flesh, and the devil are never-ending in this life and it is much better for my soul to be engaged in the conflict than pretend it doesn’t exist.
True peace does not come from an absence of conflict, but from the grace to abide in the Sacred Heart of Jesus while wars of every kind are being waged around and within me.
If I am attached to exterior harmony, I may avoid difficult conversations with my husband that could ultimately be worked through and resolved in love—leading to a deeper emotional intimacy. Letting problems fester under the surface may preserve an exterior harmony, but it comes at the expense of genuine peace.
If I find my peace in human approval or superficial serenity, all it takes is one personal misunderstanding or hateful comment to disturb and disrupt my heart’s stillness.
“Discipleship is not for sissies” was the reminder given to me when I was feeling the first sting of the internet’s hostility.
Scripture reminds us in many places that we are engaged in a war. Jesus told us that He came “not to bring peace, but a sword.” (Matt. 10:34) If I am going to take my faith seriously, I must be ready to fight for what is worth fighting for: my soul, my family, and the spreading of the Gospel. Joshua 1:9 reminds us that the Lord is with us and so there is no need to be terrified or discouraged in any battle that we wage for the kingdom of God.
A peaceful disposition can be an asset and a detriment, as with all aspects of our personalities and temperaments. What St. Ignatius taught me in Rule 14 is that an excessive attachment to external peace was a vulnerability and an in-road for the enemy’s subtle division and disruption. How about that—my attachment to peace is precisely what was preventing me from obtaining the real thing.
I cannot be attached to the preservation of peace at all costs, particularly the peace of the world. The peace I long for will not come to full fruition on this side of heaven and it is best I don’t settle for a false peace in anticipation of the real thing.
In John 14:27 Jesus tells us that He gives us His peace, which is not the same as the peace of the world. “...Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not be afraid.” The peace Jesus offers transcends this fallen world and has the power to anchor the deepest part of my soul in His unshakable love. When anchored to the Heart of Jesus and not tethered to the peace of this world, I find an interior stillness that holds fast even when conflict rises up against me.
In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety. - Psalm 4:8
God is teaching me that the only beneficial attachment is the one that tethers my heart to His and brings me to the Prince of Peace when storms are raging on all sides. Whether the storms that threaten to disrupt my calm come from desolation, human conflict, or the overwhelming reality that the world is a mess—the only peace that truly satisfies is the one found in silent stillness with the One Who created my heart to rest with Him. Cultivating and guarding this continual peace is how I find relief from troubles and a place to lay down my burdens.
May He continue to teach me to be bold in my fight against the enemies of my soul while I find refuge in His Most Sacred Heart, awaiting the eternal peace of the heavenly kingdom.
And perhaps next time I won’t wait nine years to address a relationship problem.
Your article spoke to my heart. I'm 84 years old, live in a long term care facility , have all my faculties, been here for 14 years, have no living family, am the only Catholic living here, use a wheelchair, haven't been able to attend mass in seven years. Spend time in prayer and meditation. I pray the rosary daily, the literagy of the hours, the St. Michael Chaplet. I need a Catholic friend. Loved your wording. You articulate your feelings exceptionally well. Thank you. God bless 🙌 🙏
I find the key to peace is total abandonment to Providence. Realizing there is only your own soul and Christ in the world, and absolutely everything is Him coming to the soul, helping the soul, training the soul as a loving Father. When I walk with those eyes in times of consolation, I glide over the waves like St. Peter gazing at Christ on the sea. Now I just have to learn how to do the same thing when I am blind in desolation, which is when, also like St. Peter, I look away from His Face and stare down at my feet and start to sink. I know that the repeated trials in desolation are the good Lord patiently leading me to total trust, which is hammered out in the dark. May I learn to trust Him to my bones!